Frozen Wasteland

From just a few beer I feel all weird. Usually takes me more than a few for me to reach this state of strangeness. Thoughts coming to me like leaves dancing in the wind and a haze they flutter off just as quickly as they came. I don't really know much about this life except I do know that I like this feeling. It's one of the few things in life that I know I like. Sadly this feeling will leave much too soon for my liking as it never lasts nearly long enough. Lately I have had the urge to get messed up for more than I have ever been in the past. The idea of a major drug binge is quite appealing to try and leave the world totally behind me even if for just a night.

The idea for a major drug binge came to me a couple of weeks back. I would love to go on a major bender with someone, wake up next to them not really remembering what happened but knowing that I regret all of it. If I had some money to burn I could probably stretch the binge out for a week or so which would be the perfect dream at the moment. The one problem I see in the dream is that if has a for seeable end to it and so I would again be faced to the truths of the reality in which I live.

I am not even sure why it is I don't want to face the truths of the reality but I do know that I have never wanted to face them. I love escapisms that let me flee into my own little dream worlds. I rarely ever dream when I sleep or at least rarely ever remember having dreamed. Maybe I don't dream because I never sleep that well? Oh well doesn't quite matter really. I find it easy enough to dream while wide awake at least. Its always been super easy for me to drift off into my mind no matter what seems to be going on around me. I often have trouble paying attention when people are talking to me 'cause if I don't force myself to listen I will end up in endless thoughts none connected to the others but all infinitely more fascinating to me than nearly anything anyone ever seems to say.

My jaw is sore from being clenched and I had to stop and catch my breath. I am really unsure why this is as I haven't been doing anything but writing and unless I forgot to breath somehow I am really confused as to why I had to catch my breath. There really isn't much else to do in this snow covered wretch of a town. It's full of swine all collectively sharing half a brain cell. The economy in the town is booming yet the town looks run down and full of nothing but low end income trailer trash. Most of the swine here make decent enough wages and work long hours but all their money is spent on booze, drugs and strippers. How I despise them all and yet I am extremely envious of them all. How I truly wish that I could be happy working long hours for good money only to snort half of it and throw the other half at low end strippers so that she would smile and pay me some attention. I figure if I could be happy with that lifestyle I wouldn't really have many concerns or worries making my life very simple. Though I do not think I could ever be happy with that sort of simple and am doubting that I will ever be happy.